K/O

Just before I continue, know in advance this is not a happy blog! Yesterday was quite a well, let's just leave the expletives alone for now :) Just to say, it was a 3 by 3 day. I have not really believed or gone into the idea that if something rough happens, sometimes 2 more things come along. Hence the 3 in one day thang. I had my car broken into, did not get a job I really wanted, and finances not great and it's the 31st. So as I write this, I try really hard to dig down and find something amazing or hugely positive to pull out of this. I can't. That's it. But hey, this is life. As a friend of mine said last night - It is what it is.

By now whoever has been drawn into reading my blogs (brave people you!), knows that I am a Christian. I am passionate about God, I know He exists and loves me fully. Unconditionally. But at times like this, I have learnt that God wants me to be real. In all of this, I can be real. With the King of the Universe. And I was. I told Him what I felt about Him, what I wanted, what I needed, what I believed in. And God did not come down and smack me with a lightning bolt. I sat in my parked car, seat rolled down and legs on the dashboard, looking out into the moody dusk. I sat, talked, called out, listened...and was real. I thought I could not say certain things to God, things that asked God deeply about where I was. Deep and real things. Real..... I knew I could not leave the car until I was exactly that. Real with Him. And while I did, He listened, talked to me and took my angry and confused questions. Without hitting back. This is a God that I need. Not one that would turn His back on me, not one that would erupt my car into flames for even talking to Him. No - I needed the only God in this Universe. My creator; your creator.


As I write this, I realise writing is so freeing. There is another word...but I can't get it right now. If you know it, let me know. Basically allows thoughts out that you did not realise they were part of you until you read back on them. Just realising that God is a compassionate God that will take our pain, anger, fears and whatever else we throw at Him. Takes it. Accepts it. And is just there for us. God's love for us is something I cannot understand. Sometimes I selfishly dont want to but mostly it blows my mind. But even with all this staring me in the face, I don't fully get it! Why? 'cos I be a human and I see what I see and take in what I want. I try not to be selfish in my relationship with God, but life happens and stuff like yesterday muddies it. But what is freeing is that I know it's ok to feel the full emotives I feel. Because God wants us to be real. Good or bad.

I think what I am trying to say is that being a Christian does not mean always keeping the smiley face to everyone and the happy words to God. It means being real. And then trying to work through the stuff. Something tho I did not think of until now, and that is how amazingly awesome it is knowing the only God in the Universe. It is awesome because even tho how big He is, He still allows us to talk freely to Him in our joys and pains. In calm and angst. In the way I have and do right now. Sits right next to me in my dusk shadowed car. And amazingly, He does not hold it against us. How much more of a God do you want?

Redemption and Walt Disney

Someone once said, "Every movie has a redemptive quality, no matter how harsh the material." "Basically, every movie is about redemption." Now that's a hard view to follow into a blog with. Makes for good thinking. Let's try it for a minute. Disney movies .... definitely redemptive. I mean, Nemo finds his Dad, Fender in Robots finds all lost and damaged parts and gets them put together, and "Boo" in Monsters Inc. finds her way home even when surrounded by danger and fear.


But what about the scarier movies; the dramas like "Sand and Fog", the thrillers like "The Brave One" and the horrors...I can't think of one cos they scare the bajeebers out of me. In life tho, we are faced with the same questions. Is our life, our day to day existence aout redemption? In the drama, thriller and horrors of it? Or just about the "Boo" days when you get to be in safe arms or Nemo when you finally find what you thought was lost? Life is all about choices, the ones we make and others draw us into. We can never say that anything we do is without a choice. If we go buy a cheaper brand of milk that goes off in a day; if we drive down the highyway way over the speed. All was choice and both will change lives....just a lot less with sour milk ofcourse. My point is this - we cannot blame God that He is injust, unkind or unknowing. He gave us choice otherwise we are a robotic nation as in "I-Robot." In all the good and bad out there is the hope, no the assurity that our lives are about redemption. In all we do, redemption shines through. Life is not too short to live it with hope, direction and a meaning. Coming out of a sickness, redemption has shown through in many ways in my life. Even if I cannot see it, see God, redemption does not stop it's flow of freedom.

Have the assurance that you have can redemption - realising it is a choice. Even if your life is a Disney movie or a Ron Howard movie full of comedy and drama. Just as long as you are feeling, and realising that (in the local Afrikaan's dialect) "More is nog n' dag. Tomorrow is another day.

And that freedom is strongly interlocked into the word Redemption.

Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama

Having preparation done is never a bad thing. In fact I can't really work out where it is bad. Well maybe in an unprepared public speaking debate... Seriously, today was a big interview for me and one that I really wanted to do well in. Most of my previous interviews I had not really prepared for, studied up on the company's background etc. But today's one was different. Why? The old adage of "If you want something badly, you will have to earn it."Last night I was up literally studying all of the printed pages of the company's mission statement, what they did, what they sold and why. I felt like I was back in High School, cramming for an important exam. I was focusing solidly on the interview tomorrow and a late night became the necessity. It got to a point tho, that I would look at all the info too much and panic that I would not remember it at all. So after realising this was not healthy, I left it and went to sleep, leaving the rest for tomorrow to handle.

Today, the interview was coming and I had put enough info in my cranium that I could probably take over the world, but even with it all I did not feel totally ready. I was just not at peace. So I spent half an hour before going to the interview with God, reading about His peace and guidance. Then I drove off into the sunrise...well actually it had been up for awhile, but for me 9:30 in the morning is sunrise :) The interview? How did it go? Amazingly. At peace and feeling at home. I had a few good questions thrown at me, out of the blue, but I somehow managed to get the answers that I think they liked. But there was one question that just made me stop and try and think hard - "Who are 2 of your role models?"

First thought that came up was "me" - a natural obvious answer! :) But within 10 seconds, two role models came to mind. Two that I had not thought of for awhile about, not realising they would pop into my head at that point when I needed it. Honestly, all I was thinking of was "Do not say Nelson Mandela or Barack Obama. Do not say Nelson Mandela or Barack Obama." (I wonder how many people before me had said those two?) My two role models were Richard Branson (the amazing entrepreneur) and Rudy Giuliani (inspirational, motivator, people's person, in office when 9/11 happened) who just for interest's sake was the 107th mayor of New York ;) Both fascinating people, and both EXACTLY what I needed to say this morning. Some will call it lucky, but I know it was God. I had prayed for wisdom and at the right time, the right role models came to mind. Amazing :)

I prepared for something that humanly I could only do, but when I look back at the interview today, I am so aware of the guidance and wisdom that only God could have given me. Mandela and Obama were just not going to get the prize today. Preparation is great, but when the testing phase arrives, this is where one needs help bigger than ourselves to get us through. Where God can take the ordinary question, and turn into an extraordinary answer.

God is not a secret. In fact, He is the greatest role model one could have. Even if He suggested Branson and Giuliani for the interview :)

Thank you for saving my life

"Thank you for saving my life."
These words were said at the end of the beautifully made movie "Lady in the water," by one of my favourite directors, M Night Shyamalan. (If you want to watch the movie first, do that and then read this blog!)) These simple words ended the movie, and held such power, grace and unbelievable synopsis of the whole movie. These few words were so emotive in their saying, that you could not help being swept up in the emotion of it all. Why are these six words so prefound?

In the above mentioned movie, the landlord is holding onto a lady that he has to let go, so she can return to her home. I wish I could show you a clip, but in essence he is thanking her for letting him see that his life needed healing and purpose and in her actions throughout the movie, she had allowed him to deal with the past pains and realise life was open again to breathe in. "Thank you for saving my life." This was not a statement from someone who was saved by being pushed away from an oncoming bus. This was a statement that held all his life in it. I think we need to realise the two differences. I definitely want to be saved from an oncoming bus, have my parachute open when I skydive, have someone holding the rope down below as I rock climb BUT I feel I want to rather be like the man in the movie who said (and here in my words)

"Thank you for letting me see how held back I was by so many things in my life. My hurts, anger, resentmets, scars and disapointments in me and my life." Coming to a realisation that life is something bigger than me, and that the healing can begin inside.

"Thank You for saving me." Think about that one - and get saved from an oncoming bus later.

Losing Focus in a Moment

While spending time with a friend of mine last night, I had an epiphany about life. And straight from the powerful mode of PlayStation ;) Yup, its not just fun and games. And it was not even Wi brain game. So brands aside, we were playing soccer and yes I got beaten 6 to 4, but my friend said a good point. He said, it just takes a moment to lose focus and you lose some valuable grasp on the game. This made me think about it in a life view.




Sometimes it can just take a small moment of lost focus and something creeps into your mind for example, or time or love....put what you will in that space, and if this happens to many time, too fast then the slope gets a lot faster and slippy slide down. I have found this with my time with God. When I struggle to find work, or emotions take the better of me, I take some focus off from where I should be with God, and can do some stupid things, things I know I should not be. You know that tugging little voice in your head (no, not the one thats called Jack and wants to be a barman), that some will call "conscience" and others will call the Holy Spirit. Before that freaks you out, let me try and understand it with you. The Holy Spirit is a part of God, is Him and is part of his spirit so to speak. And in church right now, we are praying for more of Him to come and pour out in our spaces.

My loss of focus recently cost me a powerful morning at church that had God come and heal, yes fully heal from small and big things. God is real!! Anyways, my loss of focus was that I chose not to go that morning to church. Not because I was a rebel (well not anymore than now), but because I was a bit wasted...I mean tired ;) and I wanted to rest the whole of Sunday. I did, but my loss of focus caught me missing something that shook the church. But not all services are like that, not all times with God are like that. But that is where we need to push in harder. Do I do this? Not much lately. God is still God tho, and has more when we step into His time. We had a time of teaching today, and we had a broken down way of spending time with God. Kinda like the "how to spend time with God." Yes, we can all do that in any way in the day, but this was a direct way of making time with God a priority. I just loved it when the speaker said, "if you love someone and want a stronger relationship with them, you prioritise time for them." How much bigger is this for God? I suck at this so far, but after today I am going to actively pursue this. Just maybe not early in the morning like was proposed - God sometimes also likes a lie in ;)




What if you are not a Christian I hear one or more ask? That's ok. Hopefully you are reading my blogs, not for my sake but for a different view on life. I was speaking to a good friend in the US just now (kick off those spur high heels girl,) and her point was hey, Christians can also have crappy days. Still does not change God. It's kinda cool knowing that no matter what we do, God does not change. He does not have a shock button, that turns him off if we shock others and ourselves. No no, not a power shock anyone out there thinking and silently laughing at me. The basics of it, is just asking God to show Himself to you. Nothing else needed. No special prayer or smelly inscence or dance around a fire....altho dancing around a fire is fun. Just not naked - it burns. God is ready and waiting to speak, we just have to ask. That's why He is a gentleman. Hey, if you are angry at Him because you lost someone in your family, mad at Him because you lost a job or a relationship...that's ok. God is a lot bigger and broad shouldered than we think. I have been irritated, angry, sad, with God but He still loves me and walks with me in a full embrace. Even if I can't fully feel it.

After the meeting today I went to a friend's house to play around with some song ideas, put down some chords and see what happened. Well, I brought about 3 chords and we started playing around with them. And then kinda like the 3 fish and 5 loaves, out came a song that morphed a few times into what we thought was a great first song we had co-written. I am proud of it, and watch out for it on Youtube...;) My point is that God can take whatever we have in our hands and slowly morph it into something that surpasses all our thoughts and desires. I just think we pre-conceive God's actions; like me and my work situation. I still do not have a job, and for the life of me I don't understand why not but my Dad keeps on hearing God saying He has something special for me. I just need to forget the past nasty interviews, and let God do what He does; lead. I struggle with that because I like to feel angry at life or be a baby sometimes in my emotions, and not let God in them. Use them, lead them. Control them. Not because I am a robot, but because if God is my life and direction, I need to give up more and more of my control for He knows what is best for me. Even if now; I really am struggling to see that. Hey - reality faces all of us :)

So in finishing this blog, I have to spend more time with God. Interviews or not. Happy or not. Because I know in my heart that I will hear more from him, and fall more in love with Him. And my focus will be turned more and more towards Him. And in that, is a good reason to wake up earlier and spend an hour or so with Him. Just gotta try keep my eyes open ;)

Oh...I have an interview on Monday :) I will keep you posted!

G

Life is a Remedial Walk

Life is a remedial walk. Let me explain. Being in a remedial class is where one is taught in a slower fashion but at times in a more creative way, and in this way the learning becomes easier and more understandable. Such is life. Many times it feels almost slowed down to a dull halt, a quiet wait for nothing. But in these times, we are somehow being taught something. Well, I like to try and think so! Many times it is in creative ways around us that we take for granted; like spending time with a friend at a cafe, cigar in one hand and a drink in the other. And not having to pay due to the kindness of the friend. I spent some time with a friend last night; having a cigar, which I do not do often but hey, was a rough day/2 weeks and I had had that interview that hit me in the soul.

So going back to the cigars and friendship. We spoke about the work situation, and then our conversation moved into other areas of our lives and by the end of the evening I left with other hidden issues to deal with. Love and loss, work and how to handle not having it, and lots of good laughs and a feeling of being. Within this time, I was learning how to get back into living so to speak. Not to try and understand it all in one shot, but to do it day by irritatingly slow and emotional day. Not having work robs you of a God-given thing in life. Work. As mundane as it may feel, we were made to work, to exert energy from our craniums and to see it as part of life but not all of it. I still have to get there, I have another interview on Monday, but my point is that work is part of life and we need to be doing it because it adds and feeds our souls. Trust me on this; having no work definitely does not feed but it takes. And yes, work is part of life but is not all about life. But hey, it definitely helps and no matter how one feels about their job, it is a neccessity for your soul to grow. Perioud.

Smoking a cigar is a remedial thing too. I think I must have re-lit mine over 5 times at least in the flickering light of the oil based candle. Definitely did not look like a pro, even when I tried and almost burnt my eye brows off! Learning how to light it, how to keep the flame alive in the cigar and how to wet the bottom of the cigar so as not to suck in flaky cigar...that's a skill ;) But when one understands it, and masters it, you can puff away with glee and pride! I know, maybe not the greatest analogy but you get my point. As one of my mentors once said "Life is a process." Simple, painful to hear sometimes, but a statement of understanding nonetheless. Life is a process, a slow, sometimes painful, sometimes blind walking one, but in the end it is an exciting one. I am not yet at the exciting part, but I know that it is out there. I just gotta hold on to the day that I have, and push on with the "process."


So next time you hear the word "remedial," realise we are all on that learning curve. One which will be easier to graspe if we just understand that it is all part of the process of life. Not the circle but the highs and lows, the ascents and the descents. Take a puff of life and realise it is not all that bad. It just seems to be sometimes within the smoky haze.

The Journey begins

I met with my life coach this past week, someone who can guide my thoughts and goals/desires/dreams for my life and my "homework" was to put my thoughts down on "paper." I just chose the more convenient way of the internet see through paper, so welcome to my life ;) My daily blog is more of a look at life, rather than a look at me. Please read and give me some feedback, so I can learn even more about myself and the whole movement of life ;)



Finding a job is always hard, recessions or not. When you apply for one, receieve the call for an interview, get yourself in some sort of readiness and then go to the interview; you do not expect an instant rebuttal without even being allowed to share yourself with the people only seeing your clothes and white pieces of paper called a CV. This happened to me today, and for the soul it is quite a smack. It hurts, makes you want to roll into ball and act like a hedgehog - prickly and making sure no-one comes too close to see the real emotions.

I ask myself while writing this first blog of probably a few more; where do we go when life does not direct you anywhere? When life burns, when it seems empty and has no horizon but empty sky. You feel like a Grand Piano that is so beautifully crafted, made specifically for a reason, every key marked with the finger prints of our Maker, but no-one wanting to play it. You know you have got so much to say, so much music to create, so many people to impact and impart emotions, so many faces to make smile and hearts to love...but no-one seems to want to open the piano and slowly play.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I am waiting to be played; to create a new symphony that has never been heard before. To draw in the right woman to marry, to play a beautiful song that resonates throughout my family, my work, my life. My everything. "In my life, Your will be done." And this makes me ask myself, with all my failures, pain, anger, loss of direction so many times, who are we that God is mindful of us. Mindful of me. A God who owns the Universe, holds it in His hand...a God who takes time to come down and be with me 24/7. If I feel Him or not. If I shout at life or not. If I want to live or not. If I want to run away from it all, leave all behind and visit foreign places that I want to be engulfed in forever. God does not care; I know him as a "Job" God who cares enough that I don't die, that I don't lose everything. A "Jonah" God that will call me back to where I may not want to be, but where He wants me to be - because He has something that I need.

That's really it. He has something that I need. I do not know what it is, and may not want to be around for a heart to heart...but one thing I do know is that He has something for me. And because He is good, it will be right. I just have to hold on; and ask myself the question that opens up miracles -

Who is man that God is mindful of him?