K/O

Just before I continue, know in advance this is not a happy blog! Yesterday was quite a well, let's just leave the expletives alone for now :) Just to say, it was a 3 by 3 day. I have not really believed or gone into the idea that if something rough happens, sometimes 2 more things come along. Hence the 3 in one day thang. I had my car broken into, did not get a job I really wanted, and finances not great and it's the 31st. So as I write this, I try really hard to dig down and find something amazing or hugely positive to pull out of this. I can't. That's it. But hey, this is life. As a friend of mine said last night - It is what it is.

By now whoever has been drawn into reading my blogs (brave people you!), knows that I am a Christian. I am passionate about God, I know He exists and loves me fully. Unconditionally. But at times like this, I have learnt that God wants me to be real. In all of this, I can be real. With the King of the Universe. And I was. I told Him what I felt about Him, what I wanted, what I needed, what I believed in. And God did not come down and smack me with a lightning bolt. I sat in my parked car, seat rolled down and legs on the dashboard, looking out into the moody dusk. I sat, talked, called out, listened...and was real. I thought I could not say certain things to God, things that asked God deeply about where I was. Deep and real things. Real..... I knew I could not leave the car until I was exactly that. Real with Him. And while I did, He listened, talked to me and took my angry and confused questions. Without hitting back. This is a God that I need. Not one that would turn His back on me, not one that would erupt my car into flames for even talking to Him. No - I needed the only God in this Universe. My creator; your creator.


As I write this, I realise writing is so freeing. There is another word...but I can't get it right now. If you know it, let me know. Basically allows thoughts out that you did not realise they were part of you until you read back on them. Just realising that God is a compassionate God that will take our pain, anger, fears and whatever else we throw at Him. Takes it. Accepts it. And is just there for us. God's love for us is something I cannot understand. Sometimes I selfishly dont want to but mostly it blows my mind. But even with all this staring me in the face, I don't fully get it! Why? 'cos I be a human and I see what I see and take in what I want. I try not to be selfish in my relationship with God, but life happens and stuff like yesterday muddies it. But what is freeing is that I know it's ok to feel the full emotives I feel. Because God wants us to be real. Good or bad.

I think what I am trying to say is that being a Christian does not mean always keeping the smiley face to everyone and the happy words to God. It means being real. And then trying to work through the stuff. Something tho I did not think of until now, and that is how amazingly awesome it is knowing the only God in the Universe. It is awesome because even tho how big He is, He still allows us to talk freely to Him in our joys and pains. In calm and angst. In the way I have and do right now. Sits right next to me in my dusk shadowed car. And amazingly, He does not hold it against us. How much more of a God do you want?