Where you exist...

How do I feel? Numb. Emotional. Paradox. Today is the 3rd month of my Dad's leaving, dying quietly taking his final breath as he lay in peace on a bed of soft memories of his family. This in some way was bearable in the unbearable memories of the past few months when a man of strength who could take on the world became a man who could not take the walk from a bedroom to the lounge. Leukemia robbed me of my Dad. I hate this disease with every fibre of my being. It came like a monster with no remorse, not even looking to make a deal so that it would leave as fast as it came. No, this was a disease that took no prisoners.

But my Dad did not let this stop him. He fought. Like a warrior dressed in white armour he threw himself full force against this disease, giving all he could to try and beat this uninvited thing. He fought right until the end, even taking on one final chemotherapy treatment saying to the monster in front of him, "I will beat you!" His faith throughout his 6 months of sickness hardly wavered, and when it did, we his loving family were there for him. In some ways he did win. He was taken away from all the pain that he was in and is now in no pain and no fear. He is safe.

I hope he misses us, misses me as much as I miss him. Why was he taken God? Why was he put through so much, while I stood watching knowing I could do nothing to help while everything inside of me was crying out to save him. What gives anything the right to take someone you love, without at least some form of competition.

But then again, my Dad never gave up and in the end when he relaxed into a greater life that we will only know one day, he won. Through God he defeated death. He stands triumphant next to God, knowing he lead a life that made his Dad, God, proud. And I am proud of him, we all are. It does not stop the pain of missing him, but I am proud of my Dad in how he lived his life, through love, faith, hope, and undying faith in his maker. And even if I do not talk to God as much as I did normally, I know He understands. And I hope Dad, you can read this or read my heart as I pour it this afternoon. You know I love you Dad; please never forget that. And know you are missed above and beyond anyone and everything that I know.

P.S. Please be with Mom if that's ok :)

Forgiveness and Trust

This past week on the streets has been one of trust. Trust damaged and trust gained. From Amo to a newly grown trust with Papani. Papani's story will be in the next blog due to Amo's story being a bit long. Amo, aka "BabyJakes" (64yrs) has been used to being on the streets, wonderful character and positive when he has the energy. Great to talk to, except when what I call the "Devil of the streets" - alcohol and the other one highly used by the kids, glue. When Amo is on the "Zorba" at R17.50 bottle that takes me around 5 mins to get through, the red Devil turns him from Amo to an unhappy, angry, and random swearing. I love this guy, and it hurts when I see him clamped in the grip of the red Devil. I cannot do anything when he is under the influence.

When someone is under the influence of anything, I think those words are so true - you are under the influence of something, someone else. And when this happens, you cannot do much but watch. He will swing a random punch at you linked from his days in the 60's when he was a semi pro boxer (hence the nickname, BabyJakes) and you have to step back and let the influence almost rule his emotions, waiting for it to slowly release it's tireless grip. Leaving him with the whiff of the promise of glory and sweet surrender to the roads he is on. I do understand why he is doing this. And also why the community does not find faith in him. The streets are his ghost of memories, and to the community he is the memories that they want to be a ghost in the past left behind. Never easy to deal with the mix; at times I do not know what to do. This week I tried to deal with both emotive people and find him somewhere to live, a retirement home that Amo asked for me to get him into.



You will understand that I was very excited to hear about this. This was something that Amo approached me to do. He recognised his problem of alcohol and wanted to be off the streets and in his words "did not want to die on the streets an old man." So I duely found the place he wanted to go, "Thembalani" in Edenvale, a suburb about 20 minutes drive away from Melville. It was a step out for me to do; life now on the streets is becoming more "hands-on", where people need and share their trust with me for tangible help. Such as this with Amo. We shared trust that I would help him, and trust that he would go to this place. I will admit I was unsure if he would go, but he was adamant he would go if I could help. Well, unfortunately that trust was broken.

In a short form, I went there, collected all the forms, spoke to the right people, did what I had to and then when I came back to Amo with it all, well in my view he threw it all back in face saying he actually did not want to go there. He just wanted to organise his Pension and he knew of a better place to go to if he had his Pension. These blogs need to be honest and real for what is happening on the streets, so this is not a pity party for me, it is just a reality of what is happening on the streets. Trust is not given, it is earned. So this took a big hit into my trust and belief into what he said to me and basically about my driving, helping him etc. Don't worry, I will not let this stop me doing what I do. It will just keep me slightly wary of the talk on the streets.

I will try and help him get his pension, but I will not help him to find this place that he speaks about what sounds like Heaven. He says he will get in easily once his Pension is sorted, but I unfortunately do not believe it will be that easy. I hope it will not happen, but I do not think that this will happen as he believes it will. People say many things on the streets, and the ones looking for any hope out there will grab onto anything. And too many times, hope slips away as does the person who gave it out.

So what should my approach be? Tough love as in trying to help him get his Pension and then let hem go in what direction he will go, or should I do more, turn the other cheek and try trust more. It is a fine line of being used and giving love; I still love Amo and his life and what he needs. But I do not think we are called to be mats that people walk on and use for themeselves only. I also have to love, give hope and allow it to shine it to them. But I also have to be wise and not to be used because I am "the nice guy who helps on the street." I do not think there is a set open answer. The only truth is that God is the over-seeing hope, and in His given wisdom to us, we hopefully make the right the choices....