How do I feel? Numb. Emotional. Paradox. Today is the 3rd month of my Dad's leaving, dying quietly taking his final breath as he lay in peace on a bed of soft memories of his family. This in some way was bearable in the unbearable memories of the past few months when a man of strength who could take on the world became a man who could not take the walk from a bedroom to the lounge. Leukemia robbed me of my Dad. I hate this disease with every fibre of my being. It came like a monster with no remorse, not even looking to make a deal so that it would leave as fast as it came. No, this was a disease that took no prisoners.
But my Dad did not let this stop him. He fought. Like a warrior dressed in white armour he threw himself full force against this disease, giving all he could to try and beat this uninvited thing. He fought right until the end, even taking on one final chemotherapy treatment saying to the monster in front of him, "I will beat you!" His faith throughout his 6 months of sickness hardly wavered, and when it did, we his loving family were there for him. In some ways he did win. He was taken away from all the pain that he was in and is now in no pain and no fear. He is safe.
I hope he misses us, misses me as much as I miss him. Why was he taken God? Why was he put through so much, while I stood watching knowing I could do nothing to help while everything inside of me was crying out to save him. What gives anything the right to take someone you love, without at least some form of competition.
But then again, my Dad never gave up and in the end when he relaxed into a greater life that we will only know one day, he won. Through God he defeated death. He stands triumphant next to God, knowing he lead a life that made his Dad, God, proud. And I am proud of him, we all are. It does not stop the pain of missing him, but I am proud of my Dad in how he lived his life, through love, faith, hope, and undying faith in his maker. And even if I do not talk to God as much as I did normally, I know He understands. And I hope Dad, you can read this or read my heart as I pour it this afternoon. You know I love you Dad; please never forget that. And know you are missed above and beyond anyone and everything that I know.
P.S. Please be with Mom if that's ok :)
1 comment:
This was so moving to read Gareth. We pray that as you have shared your feelings of loss and pain that a measure of healing will come.Your Dad was a fine Christian man and one we were privileged to call friend. He is now with the one he loved and served for the greater part of his life...the parting is painful but one day you will meet again. May He who is our gentle Shepherd comfort you and give you the strength and courage to keep keeping on. Our prayers continue with your Mom and all of the family.
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